As the number of days in January slowly grows to 31, I know that February is approaching. I completely and utterly despise February. It is the most horrible of all months. There is little that is good about February and you should hate February as much as I do.
First and foremost, numerous historical tragedies have occurred in the month of February. It was February 15, 1913 when the Sixteenth Amendment was ratified. The Sixteenth Amendment made it legal for the government to place a tax on incomes. In January 1913, our incomes would have been tax-free. Then, cursed February came and brought about a severe reduction in the take-home pay of people across the country. Later on the century, another February would bring about more pain to the world. It was February 21, 1944 when General Hideki Tojo declared himself the "military czar" of Japan. With the establishment of a military dictatorship in Japan, the Second World War was prolonged until after the use of two atomic weapons on civilian populations. If the Japanese citizenry had maintained control of the government the war could have possibly ended without so much death and destruction. For another example of a terrible event, we can turn the calendar to February 16, 1959. It was on this day that Fidel Castro was sworn in as the leader of Cuba. Cuba had the first communist government in the Western Hemisphere. Along with bringing the evils of a totalitarian government to the West, Cuba acted as a staging point for Soviet aggression. The Cuban Missile Crisis, which nearly resulted in a world-wide atomic war, would never have happened if February 1959 had never occurred.
Along with the horrible historic events that have occurred in the month of February, there is a group of stupid holidays that comes to every February. First and stupidest of these holidays is Groundhog’s Day. In the United States, we have a holiday that celebrates the meteorological omniscience of a rodent. Only slightly less ridiculous than Groundhog’s Day is President’s Day. Only in February could there be a holiday that celebrates the great achievements of liars and career criminals. It’s hard to believe that there is actually a holiday honoring the men who waste our tax dollars, send our friends and families to fight in foreign wars and embarrass our nation with their personal indiscretions. Most evil of all the February’s holidays is Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is a copy of the Roman holiday "Lupercalis". Lupercalis was a godless festival of lust and sexual immorality. Worst of all, our current holiday derives its name from two martyred men named Saint Valentine. Not only does Valentine celebrate fornication, but marks the murder of two Saints as a day of rejoicing. February contains numerous stupid and holidays which add to the evilness of the month.
The fact that February is also Black History Month is a reminder of the racial inequality that still exists today. By selecting Black History month as the second month of the year, it is subconsciously implying that an African-American is some sort of second-class citizen. Furthermore, February is the shortest month of the year. "The Man" couldn’t even give the world a full month to celebrate the great achievement of black people. Instead, there are only 28 days to celebrate the work of George Washington Carver, Martin Luther King, and Jarome Iginla. February reminds us that the world we live in is still divided by racism.
Along with being evil and discriminatory, February has an annoying spelling. Can anyone explain why there are two R’s in February? People pronounce the month "Feb-U-Ary". I’ve never heard anyone say that the second month of the year is "Feb-Ru-Ary". The first R is a waste of space. It wastes ink in the printing press and it takes up space disk space whenever a date in February is written. February is horribly inefficient.
There is still a little hope for all of us. If the proper reforms are made, we might be able save humanity and the second month of the year at the same time. Along with eliminated all the holidays in February, it is necessary to cast off the faulty name for the month. The word February has been corrupted beyond repair. If we are going to have a second month, we need to select a new name for it. There are a myriad of possibilities for a new label for the month. Perhaps we could use "Frigidy" or another name that would accurately describe the weather conditions during the month. Other possibilities include names that would reflect February’s position. We could call it "Janarch" since it is between January and March. It could be named "Seconduary" (Dosuary for our Spanish-speaking friends) since it is the second month of the year. "Not-as-cool-as-December" and "The month formerly known as February" aren’t the best choices for a new name, but they would certainly be an acceptable improvement over the current name.
Secondly the number of days in February needs to correct. This is probably the easiest problem to solve. We simply have to make May and January 30 days long. Then, the two extra days from those months could be added on to the end of February. During leap year, we wouldn’t add another day to February. Although the month might be rehabilitated, there is no reason to think that it should be rewarded for the evils it has let occur through out history. Instead, the extra day will be added into the calendar during early December of late April. That way, there would be an extra day to study during finals week every four years.
February is the most evil of all months. Although the month has allowed numerous atrocities to occur and has spread racial hatred, there is still a hope for a rescue of the month. If the proper reforms are made, there might be a chance to bring a second month of the year that is beneficial to the world. However, if the necessary reforms aren’t made, then there is the chance that the evil of February could spread to nearby months. Before we know it, the second half of January or the first week in February could be corrupted by their proximity to February. Therefore, it is important that action be taken against February quickly.
